On April

Dear One,


If there must be named a single point; a block of time out from which my entire year spins around, April- you are it. January has is resolutions, June through August their warm breezes, December of course carries Christmas, but none of that compares to the enormous weight you carry for me, April. Year after Year. 


For starters, I love that you begin with a holiday dedicated to fools, or is it meant to be a day for creating fools around you? Either way. Brilliant. On a more serious holiday note... Easter. Except for very very rare occasions, Easter always falls during the month of April. Easter is my favorite holiday and the cornerstone for my increasingly important faith. I. Love. Easter. Less important on the grand scale of things -but certainly worth noting, my birthday is in April. The day when I take stock, appreciate being alive, vow to grow older - better than I have so far, and hopefully recognize the love others have for me. Love that helps build me up for round (soon to be) 34. These highs forever linked to the incomparable low of the anniversary of Matt's death each April as well. Such powerful LIFE celebrations sandwiching such a life that was lost. Each felt deeper because of the knowledge gained from the others. 


Though not credited to a specific day, April is when I turn my thoughts toward Spring. Regardless of it being the snowiest month here in the Elk Mountains, it is the first noticeable shift in the weather. A slight warming of the ground that turns all this snow to slush, and a fierceness in the wind that dares you to turn your back on it. April is when things change in the year. Not January -which is remarkably similar to its bookend months- April is the beginning for me. 


30 days now to seek and sense and grasp, and know those ever-so-slight shifts that steer the whole year.


Love,
Me

On Song

Dear Ones,

I love to sing, always have. Singing in the shower, with Poppy, in the car, or on stage with a full orchestra -- singing has been one of the greatest joys of my life. The peak song experiences for me though are paled in comparison to what is only described as beyond joy that I hear coming from your little mouths when you think I'm not listening. You are both wonderful little singers, don't ever let anyone tell you different. I hope you always get the happiness from it that you so exuberantly let out right now. No qualms, no fears, no worries over pitch or lyrics or audience ... just ALL OUT SINGING. It's like you are taking your truest smile and flinging it up to Heaven. It is the absolute best sound in the world to your mama's ears.

Little Bunny FooFoo, Shoo Fly, Hush Little Baby, PollyWolly Doodle All Day, Doe a Deer, Don't Stop Believin', Dancing Queen, and of course the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song... these make up the playlist of my heart. But only when you sing them.

I love you so much!

me

On Body

Dear One,

You are so hard on yourself, and so sad so often. Now that you've had your cry, focus. Your legs work. As do your heart, lungs, teeth, arms and ankles. Your husband says he's a fan of your butt. So, you know, that's something.

This new exercise is good for you. And it's good that you can't do it all yet and that you're so tired and sore- it means it's working now and has room for you to grow and keep the method working in the future!

You will see change. It's only been a month. For the life-change you want you need to realize this could easily take all year. You may not feel comfortable in a bathing suit on your 34th birthday, as per the original goal. BUT you WILL feel good in one for birthdays 35- 82. At 83... well, we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we? ;)

You will get yourself up at 5am tomorrow and keep going. Do Not Give Up.

Now go play with your sons. They think you're beautiful. It is possible they are more right about you than you are.

Love,

me

On Stages

Dear One,

When I asked you to "Sit still and be quiet" while I was in a meeting this morning and you responded with "Not Again???!!" it occurred to me that we have a gap in our communication somewhere. You see, the last time I said, "Sit still and be quiet" wasn't actually the last time this will be asked of you. In fact, since you are now 2 1/2 years old, it's entirely possible that this request will be made thousands of times yet over the course of your life. Particularly since you seem to possess truly astounding levels of energy and spunk for someone so little.

Hopefully this clears up any miscommunication we've been having and my next request for you to calm down won't come as such a shock.

Much love,

me :)

On Listening

Dear One,

When my children are upset, self-inflicted or otherwise, I usually tilt their face up to me and say, "Tell me when you can hear me." I know I can fix the problem, but not until the self-centered hysterics die down. After a few hiccups and back-handed wiping of tears they'll eventually nod and say they can. At least that's how it works when it runs smoothly.

When it doesn't run smoothly, their mad and I've been scared into a fury, I don't tilt their face towards me. I grab hold of their chins between my pointer finger and thumb in such a way that I could probably move their entire bodies with just this grip. And say in my deepest vocal register, "Tell. Me. When. You. Can. Hear. Me."

Which they usually respond to with a "I Can't Hear You Yet!" yell that echos off Red Lady. Even in those cases though, eventually their ears open and the muscles surrounding my voice box relax enough to let oxygen get back through and we move ahead. Together.

I don't know which tone of voice you're using with me right now Father. But I can't hear you yet. I want to. I wish the disconnect wasn't there. I believe that eventually my ears will open and your perfect voice, saying just the right words, will come through. I believe that.

But I can't hear you yet.

Amen.

On Waste Removal

Dear Ones,

You are old enough and it is time.

Peeing in the potty is great. Keep it up.

Pooping in the potty is better. Start doing it.

That is all.

me

On Thighs

Dear One,

Your website says you can transform any woman's body- regardless of age, genetics, and/or specific problem spots. If that is true, then the salutation of "Dear One" won't even begin to cover my affection for you.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to become my steadfast partner in: Operation Feel Good in a Swimsuit Before I Turn 34.

It is a large scale attack we have taken on. There is much cellulite to defeat and many 'Lil Debbie Swiss Cakes to say no to. This is not for the weak or the hungry- although your workouts so far have made me feel both. There are obstacles to overcome: potty-training, meal preparation for non-dieters, foot deep slush covering all usable ground outside, and the fact that my two favorite foods are butter and chocolate, with salt.

Please keep that last bit between us.

This note will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

See you in the morning,

me