On Promises

Dear One,

      Promise me that the next time you are able to give to someone, be it time or money or housing or grace, that you won't forget how it felt to be the one receiving all of that and more. 

      Promise me that you will not lose yourself to smallness again, after having gone through this stretch of such need and reliance on others.  

   Just as having received can make you a better giver, so can having known small make each future straightening of the spine more honest. 

     
      Promise me that you will spend time, each day, thanking God for this breath.

                                                 

                                                 And this one.

                                                

                                                 

                                                 And this one. 

                                                

                                                 And this one.

                                                 

                                                  And this one.

                                               

                                                  And this one.

   

     


     Promise me that you will not lose love with these best people in your life, no matter where you live. Or where they do. Love is always an honor. 

     Promise me that you will be open-hearted and opened-eyed enough to see the new best people in your life when they come. And teach your children to do the same. 

   

     Promise me Gratefulness.

     Promise me Trust. 

     Promise me that you will remember your failings to the point of humility, but never to the point of punishing, wounding, stealing your joys.  

   
     Promise me Joy. 
              a little bit, every day 

     Promise me that you will not lose heart, 

                                          

                       because your heart is my favorite thing about you. 

                                                                        Love,

                                                                          Me

  

   

                                                     

On My Brother

Dear One,

       It was so good to get your call yesterday. Your voice carried actual sunlight through the line (or, wireless iphone magical waves, or ... um ...) anyway- hearing you brought sunlight to my heart. Cheesy? Yes. True? 100%.  
       I have missed talking to you. I have missed being a player in your life. Somehow, to my ultimate shame, my own life loomed so large in my vision for a while that yours became all but obscured. forgive me forgive me forgive me
       My own life has, once again, some big changes and challenges barreling down the pike but I want you in on it. And I want to be in on yours, which are no less important or monumental to me. 
       We didn't grow up together in the normal sense of siblings, and I know that has bothered you from time to time. I want you to know though that despite my, advanced age, I find almost daily a new sign of just how much growing up I have yet to do. So... the opportunity is not lost! And I look forward to sharing your mid-life maturation with you as well... decades from now... when it comes. ;) 
       Thanks for taking the time to lean in. This is part of what me leaning back looks like.  Hopefully this letter will find you when you need to hear my voice someday, as I needed yours yesterday, and it will remind you of 2 very important things:
      1) Your sister loves you with all her heart.
      2) That has been and will be true for every moment of your life.


Love,
  me

On Preschool

Dear One,

I promise to make as big a deal over you starting Kindergarten as I have been over your brother starting. 

Love,
Mom ;) 

On Kindergarten

Dear One,
      So. You started Kindergarten today. Daddy and I have been building up this day for months now, in anticipation of how hard change is for you sometimes. Hoping beyond hope to make it as easy a transition as possible for you, our sweet boy. It would seem that some of that effort should have been directed at ourselves. At me, in particular. Thankfully, you were too excited by all that was happening around us this morning to notice how my smile trembled from time to time. Not a tear dropped until you were safely in your seat and I was safely out of sight. Someday you'll appreciate what a feat that was for me.
       I am so proud of you Dear One. I am overcome by the boy you are, and looking forward to meeting the boy you are about to become. Here's hoping you remember at least some of the lessons and truths I've tried to pass on over your "just you and me" years. Such as:
1) Hold God's hand
2) Be Kind, to yourself and others
3) Give the benefit of the doubt
4) Listen
5) Respect
6) Appreciate
and most importantly...

7) You are a joy to me. No matter what you ever do. Or don't do. Just because you ARE. Just because you're you.
You are a joy to me.
I delight in you.
You are precious to me.
I love you.

Forever yours,
     Mom

On Pie

Dear One,
     I'm racing to write this memory down, it's only a couple days old and already one of my favorite and most repeated stories. I was kinda joking when I asked if you wanted to be in the 4th of July Pie Eating contest this year, but I was thrilled to see you thrilled with the idea. I knew it would be flat out hysterical, but had no idea it would be heart-rending as well. 

     Lining up with the other kids, I was surprised to see you were the only 3 year old amongst several 8 and 9 year olds all ready to devour themselves some pie. I thought you might be intimidated and back down. That was silly. You're.... you. 
     Cow Bell rings and face in you go. Licking your way to the aluminum beneath all that chocolate cream.  

Shouts and Cheers fly from my mouth and erupt behind me too as all the parents and spectators urge each of you on to more sugar and faster. This is a new stance for us to take and we delight in it. Soon though, it is over. You do not realize this. In fact, you've just begun to get serious about this pie.

 Turns out it was a tie between two older and bigger boys and, as there is only one trophy, a tie-breaker round is set up. You do not realize this either. You are determined.

The tie is ended, winner awarded, and you continue in blissful ignorance and dogged determination to be the fastest pie eater the world has ever known.

Until finally I am able to wrangle enough of your attention back and tell you that the race is over. At which point, you look up with a face frosted by chocolate and painted with glee to ask...

"Am I the winner?!" 






And I am slain. 
Wrestling between the truth and a lie I land on the truth,
"No, honey, you didn't win." 
--but completely cave as the heartbreak hits you and the tears well, offering up a softer truth on top --
"But you were definitely the fastest 3 year old today!"
Uncertain blue eyes study me. 
Deciding.
Smile returns, all the way up to your dented cheek.
"Yep! I'm the winner!"


Wrong again. 

I am. 


                                                                                         Love,
                                                                                              mom









 

On Wealth

Dear One,
      I've never wished I was fluent in another language more than I did when I met you. What wouldn't I give to know your story?! The lines on your face, that magically smooth rather than deepen when you smile, tell me that your tale would be well worth the hearing. And your smile. I wish I'd been able to capture it on film. It could heal the world. 
    Just before crossing your path, my senses were being inundated with sounds, smells, scents, and textures all brand new to me. Which is why I love to travel, of course, but is also just... a lot... some moments. This is a beautiful island you call home, no question, I've talked with so many people about its splendor. Beaches and fruit laden trees and softly lapping waves...but it nags at me to leave the description there.  It has its scars. (Don't we all?), but  these wounds were new to me, new at least in the way things can be when you know them but don't know them. Knowledge of this strain doesn't come until the textbook is removed and the newscast a memory and the information comes at you first hand, skin on skin, smell on smell, sight on sight.  

     My eyes were stinging from the flood of sunscreen pouring into them as I sweat off my third or fourth SPF application of the day. Everything sticking. My shirt to my chest, my hair to my neck, my thighs to each other ( ugh.) I've never known such hot. I've never been in air so thick you could almost grab enough of it to wring out like a towel. And a rotten fruit smell that doesn't permeate the air by any means but can stagger you with potency from one step to the next before disappearing again, replaced by the burnt-tropical scent of my sunscreen reaching boiling point. Passing homes that would barely pass as sheds here, but with lace curtains hanging in the squares cut out of the aluminum, making windows, begging a breeze. 

    And trash. Nearly everywhere. It pained me to buy the cold soda that was swishing around in my bag on this walk because I knew where it would end up when I was done. The choice being here or on the ground, as best I could tell.

 Then, at about this point, I heard the sounds of children getting out of school. That sound is fairly universal. Skipping and laughing and racing and tagging. Ducking laundry and dodging chickens. Play. Freedom. Joy.

Young girls talked a handsome boy into climbing a tree to get them fresh coconut water.

     Two big grins chased me down with shouts of "Take my picture! Take my picture!"

 And as they ran off, after approving their photo first, my ear latched onto the sound of a young boy laughing, a sound my heart is particularly attune to. Following the path around the bend, you came into sight. Sitting, relaxing with your grandson, the laughing boy, and beaming at him a smile that not just took my breath away, but actually made me forget that I was melting down like a candle just moments before. The ease of your conversation, and the joy he clearly felt just being next to you... it was a richness to rival any on the Forbes list. So taken by the scene, I asked if I could take your picture, (thankfully I knew that much in your language!), and you turned that smile on me with a kind, "si". The photo-taking brought out a more serious look on your face, but the essence of you still comes through I think.

    With a "gracias" and smile of my own we parted, you continuing your story to a sweet faced boy and me listening to his responding laughter catch the coconut breeze and drift down behind me through a lace-curtained cutout, wondering just what it is I now... 
know.

Most Gratefully,

me

On Vacation

Dear Ones,
     
       My goodness do we miss you boys! But we are having so many wonderful adventures and can't wait to tell you all about them when we get back. I'm writing to you from what seems to be a converted chicken coop on the farm, now serving as an internet station. Fairly typical of things on this island I have to say!

We've been snorkeling every day and seen lots of colored fish (no Nemo yet, but we'll keep looking), a stingray, some orange starfish that are as big as daddy's head and even an octupus who was curled up inside the biggest conch shell we've ever seen! Tomorrow Bing is going to take us in the boat out to the reef where we can seen bigger fish and even some sharks! We may go fishing while we're out there and if we catch anything Paola will cook it for us for dinner, isn't that cool?!

We have to walk quite a ways to get to the village for supplies, and then carry them all back-  quite a workout! But there are tons of neat things to see on the way,( as much as I can see anyway from having the sweat pouring down my face and into my eyes - it's HOT here!), we've seen lots of little black lizards, chickens, goats, a cow and an enormous iguana that really took daddy by surprise on our walk. He had black and white stripes and a red tinted comb down his back- very grand looking but we decided not to get too close.

We have a little casita all to ourselves which is nice, although the rooster wakes us up very early every morning since the sun rises around 4:30am here. Last night we were trying to learn how to play Yahtzee and I had a bit of a scare from two Very Big Spiders. Daddy killed them for me because, as you know, he is very brave and bold- just like you two.

Not sure when I'll have the computer to use again, but we'll check in as soon as we can! Mommy and Daddy LOVE LOVE LOVE you both so much!

Love,

me